Stories | Open Mic

Local Kid Pontificates, Complains About Stuff

Published On
October 8, 2008

I have to say, the best part of the whole craft beer revolution (and believe me folks, this is indeed a revolution) is the way that Beer just snuck in through the window last night and murdered Wine in cold blood. Killed him right there in his fancy bed, ruined his silk pajamas. ‘Cause for real, wine sucks.

Fuck you, Wine. Yeah, I said it. I’m 28 and I’ve never really enjoyed a glass of wine. I’ve sorta liked wines here and there, but why would I bother drinking the stuff when I can get quality, locally made sauce anytime I want to? (Thanks, Bierkraft.)

To be honest, it’s not easy for me to come out and say these things. My Sicilian grandparents must be quietly disapproving in their graves. My father, who grew up in Red Hook and Carroll Gardens, tells me that when he was a kid every family on the block would make their own wine. On Union Street it was all you could smell. Now that sounds pretty cool. That’s the kind of wine I could get down with. Wine for the people, by the people.

Really I just wish I liked the stuff. I wish I knew what was going on, how to differentiate between the styles, the grape varietals. But I just don’t care because wine sucks. And also, in my head, wine is equivalent to snobbery, wealth, and elitism, and these are all bad things.

It’s different with beer. I have a sip of a great beer and I think to myself “This is delicious!” And then I turn to my friend and try to tell him about how well-balanced it is, but he doesn’t care because he thinks that the whole craft beer thing is equivalent to snobbery, wealth, and elitism. He would rather drink P.B.R. ‘cause it’s cheaper. Go figure.

Maybe my reasons for hating wine are pretty lame, but I certainly do love me a cold frothy pint of that sauce. Keep an eye out for me at your local (quality beer serving) bar. I’ll be the guy in the corner with the pretty girl, enjoying the hell out of a good beer.

Mike Tumbarello wrote this first installment of “Open Mic” in 2008.  In addition to helping launch the Open Mic Series, Mike has launched his own hip-hop label “Modern Shark” and has been known to clutch the mic himself as Baje One of Junk Science.